Sunday, 9 October 2011

Advice I'd give to myself if I could go back in time and give advice to myself.

Otherwise known as 'Advice I'd give to my kids if If I ever have kids which they won't listen to because kids don't listen to advice from their parents, it's science'.


1. Try hard at school.
I know, I know, it's a cliché, but you really really should put in the effort when it comes to your school work. I know, it's boring, it's hard work and homework eats into your valuable 'watching shit on telly and playing Duck Hunt on the NES' time, but it will pay off in the long run. Revise for exams, do your homework (you might not be much good at it, but at least hand something in, for crying out loud) and don't skive off lessons to go to the pub and watch England play Romania in the World Cup. You will get caught and bollocked by the teacher whose lesson you were supposed to be in upon your return to the school premises to get the bus home, and he will hold it against you for the rest of your school life. (That bit probably applies more to sixth-form or college students than primary school kids, but it's all applicable). Not saying doing well at school is vital to doing well later in life, there are plenty of people who were shit at school and still made something of themselves (Steve Jobs, for example. R.I.P), but it will improve your chances. Fact. Also, when you're at school it is often the case that the more popular people are the people who don't do any work and are sometimes just plain fucking morons. But when you leave school, this often isn't the case. In any case, morons are generally only popular with other morons, and nobody wants that, do they?

2. Get a job you like.
If you follow the above advice, you will have a better chance of getting a job you like doing. Find something you're interested in and try to make a career out of it, otherwise you'll just end up drifting through life doing something you don't really have any passion for. If you want to be an astronaut, don't let anyone put you off. Knuckle down and give it a fucking good go. I'm not sure what sort of route you'd need to take to become an astronaut, presumably you'd need some sort of background in science, but if that's what you want to do then look into it. Course, if you're lucky enough to be blessed with a gift for football or music, you should probably follow that up, that way you might not really need to do any proper work ever, which is always a bonus. Money shouldn't be priority number one. It'd  be nice to be earning 100k a year, I'm sure, but if you're stuck doing something you hate, five days a week for the rest of your working life, you might very well end up going round the bend and spending all that cash on cocaine and prostitutes. Or something.

This could be you. Not this actual guy, that's somebody else.
But you could do it if you wanted to. 


3. Don't buy anything until you can afford to buy it twice.
By this I mean don't go recklessly spending cash you haven't got on all sorts of shit you don't really need. I'm in a fair bit of debt and I don't really have much to show for it other than a rather lovely bearded dragon and some pretty good (if somewhat vague) memories. If I had my time again I would never borrow money. Ever.  Avoid credit cards and store cards like the plague, they are designed to shaft you, and not in the good way. If you want a massive telly or a nice holiday, save up for it. That makes it even more rewarding when you finally get it, and you won't end up paying for it over the next seven years and not being able to afford any more nice things ever.

4. Everything in moderation (but not until you've finished school).
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Do what you want until it starts to affect other people, and at that point get your act together and stop being a dickhead. Some things aren't good for you, but the way I see it it's your body and you should be allowed to do what you want with it. If you're at a party and somebody offers you magic mushrooms, and you think to yourself  'you know what, I wouldn't mind trying those' then by all means stuff them in your face. But don't eat too many, and don't do it if you've got stuff to do any time in the next three days or so. Essentially, things like fags, booze and drugs probably don't do you any good, but the way I see it you could get mown down by some tart who's doing her lipstick while driving, and that would be no fault of your own. If I get killed by a massive heroin overdose, fuck it, at least it was my choice. I'm not ashamed to admit that I have in the past experimented with various drugs (not heroin, by the way). It's had no detrimental affect on my life, it hasn't made me a bad person. I never hurt anyone, lost a job or ended up in hospital, because I did these things in MODERATION. I've had much worse experiences due to alcohol than any of the illegal drugs I've tried. Professor David Nutt (the former government drugs adviser who got fired because he didn't offer the right advice, despite his advice being permeated with scientific fact, but whatever) once stated that if you're sitting next to a stranger at a bar, it is statistically safer to offer them ecstasy than peanuts. But he's just a scientist, what does he know? I'm not saying you SHOULD do drugs, more that you shouldn't be as terrified of them as the tabloids would have you believe.

Alcohol. Socially acceptable and perfectly legal.


5. Don't bother with women.
I've not had too much luck with women, and I'm 100% sure it's partly because I didn't follow the advice in sections 1, 2 and 3, and partly because I tried too hard (it can't be anything to do with my looks, that would be ridiculous). Women don't like it if you're too keen, and for some reason a lot of them seem to like it when you're a flat out dickhead. But you can't really just march around being a bastard all the time, because you might over egg the pudding and ruin it. I think it's probably best to just ignore them for the most part, let them come to you. That way you know they're actually interested in who you are. Course, you might actually have to get yourself noticed and register a bit of interest (note: shouting things like 'OI OI SWEETCHEEKS, I'D LOVE TO SMASH YOUR BACK DOORS IN' probably isn't the way to go. With most women anyway), but don't try too hard. Also, there's no point trying to force somebody to like you if they're not interested in the first place, it's like trying to teach a kid to play tennis when they just don't fucking like tennis. It will accomplish nothing in the long run. And if you ignore the ladies and they don't bother coming to you, fuck it, it's not the end of the world. Although in theory it could be the end of the world if everyone in the world ignores each other completely, forever. But that won't happen. Probably.

6. Brush your teeth, you twat.
Doesn't need an explanation really.


The End.










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