Sunday, 18 September 2011

The Lies People Believe #2: Crime doesn't pay.

Let's face it, crime does pay. If it didn't, people wouldn't do it. It only doesn't pay if you get caught or killed, and to be honest if you're rubbish enough to get caught or killed you should probably just get a real job. Remember people, knowing your limits is key here. I've often toyed with the idea of resorting to crime, but to be honest I don't have the self confidence or the energy for it. It's probably only worth doing if you're doing it on a large scale, and that sort of business takes some organising. I'm not much of an organiser, I'd rather just show up for work on a monday, spend five days trying to look busy and wish my life away waiting for the weekend. If i was going to be a criminal, I'd be one of the following:

  • International arms dealer. You get to travel, you get to play with guns and let's face it, nobody's going to fuck with you. Except maybe Interpol (the international crime fighting agency, not the band. Nobody would give a shit about the band).
  • Diamond smuggler. Nicking blood diamonds from Sierra Leone and selling them to posh Chelsea housewives with more money than sense seems like a safe bet to me. Obviously it helps if you're devoid of morals and don't mind becoming embroiled in a trade that essentially steals from the poor and gives to the rich. And they don't call them 'blood diamonds' for nothing. I think it's because you have to wash the blood off them, which is a risky business. If you're not careful you could lose them down the sink, they're usually only little. 
  • Full time assassin. Like in the movie 'Leon', only less French. And I wouldn't want some twelve year old girl following me around all the time, people would start to talk. It's all very well offing gangsters on behalf of other gangsters, but sharing a bed with a pre-teen Natalie Portman would surely sully your reputation somewhat, even among the sort of lowlife mobster scum that pay shady Frenchmen to kill their rivals. I wouldn't drink milk though, I'd drink coffee and rum. 
  • "Fuck off, little kid"
  • 19th century cowboy. Riding around on a horse, drinking bourbon and getting into shootouts with the natives. Nothing against the natives of course, it was just the done thing in those days. Then if you got bored you could just amble into a small town, clean up all the bad guys (the ones that are more bad than you) and become sheriff. Also you get to wear a cowboy hat without everyone thinking you're a bellend or Jon Bon Jovi*. And prostitution was all the rage back then too, and according to timeless classic films like 'Young Guns', all the hookers had massive cans and really nice hair. And HIV probably hadn't been invented then, so no bother there. 
  • Art and antiquities thief. Like in the film 'Entrapment', starring the alleged (well, some would say self confessed) woman beater Sean Connery and the quite frankly way out of his league even in a film Catherine Zeta-Jones. The problem with this one is I don't know jack shit about art or antiquities, and I'd probably end up stealing stuff that had been bought from Ikea. But it'd be worth it if I got to do that bit where she's learning to get through the laser beams and she's wearing all the tight lycra gear and poking her bum in the air. Awesome. 
Sweet jesus.
Now i realise I've based a lot of my criminal aspirations on crap from films, which may not be that accurate. But I've not had much experience in the real criminal underworld, save for an incident involving a primary school and some paint when I was eleven years old. Which I am NOT proud of, by the way. Note to any eleven year olds: if you find yourself in a situation where your mates are breaking into a building and they want you to keep watch outside, do not shit yourself and go in there with them. If you must shit yourself, just go home. And if you do go in there, don't get paint all over your shoes, that sort of thing can be pretty damning evidence.

So there we are. Today we've learned that 'crime doesn't pay' is a rash statement indeed. Especially if you're Sean Connery in 'Entrapment', where it all works out in the end and he gets rich AND gets to pork Zeta-Jones. Sure in Young Guns and Leon the heroes probably don't get the happy ending they'd like, but we'll just gloss over that for the sake of keeping my point valid and not making this a complete waste of time.


*for the record, Jon Bon Jovi is a hero and I won't hear a word said against him. He can dress like a cowboy and sing about being one all he wants. Although everyone knows Richie Sambora is the better musician and probably the better songwriter. 

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