Saturday, 17 September 2011

The lies people believe #1: Money can't buy you happiness.

I recently got told that some of my Facebook* musings/rants would make good reading in one of these blog things. And to be honest, I'm bored half to death, so I figured I'd start one up. Besides, somebody who is quite funny once told me I was quite funny, and I don't think I need any further encouragement. Only problem is I'm a raging technophobe, and I don't really know what I'm supposed to do. I guess I could look at other blogs and glean inspiration from those, but that seems like the pussy way out, I much prefer to just make shit up as I go along - a practice which served me well in none of the exams I attended in my formative years and got me to where I am now (the arse end of nowhere, typing this on a budget laptop I bought on finance). I'm hoping what will happen is that upon engaging in this little venture I'll be suddenly inundated with all sorts of interesting thoughs, the likes of which people will want to read about on the internet. Then maybe one day I can start my own grown up website and people will give me vast sums of cash to plaster advertisements all over it and fuck everybody off.


I'd quite like to be rich one day, you see. People say money can't buy you happiness, but I've done some research and I believe this to be 100% incorrect.
If I had money here's what I'd do:

  • Buy a big, fuck off mansion. I'm talking indoor swimming pool, bowling lanes, casino, secret sex dungeon/chill out room, all that shit. It would be THE place to hang out, and everybody would be my friend because of it. This would make me happy. I've also always wanted a secret underground bunker. I don't know why, maybe I have a subconscious fear of the inevitable zombie apocalypse.
  • Learn to drive a car. I never bothered so far, under the bullshit pretence that I give a good shit about the environment and our dwindling oil reserves. The truth is I was too lazy to learn when I was young and I'm too poor now. And we'll just steal oil from third world countries anyway (Oh NO he didn't). If i had money I would learn to drive and probably buy something sweet like a Ferrari**. Then women would want to fellate me (women are fickle creatures, but we'll cover that in a different chapter) and this would make me happy.  
If you're in one of these and you don't suck the driver's dick, shame on you.
  • Get all my broken teeth fixed. Years of not giving a shit about my dental hygiene, combined with years of my parents not physically forcing me to brush my teeth every morning and night (they tried, bless 'em, I was just too strong), combined with a severe chocolate addiction and the occasional ill-advised dalliance with soft drugs, has left me with a mouth resembling a skip full of rubble. Chicks do not dig shitty teeth. Getting them fixed would make me h-a-p-p-y. 
  • Get my stupid back fixed. In fact there are numerous things I'd like to get fixed on my body, the gnashers are just the tip of a surprisingly delapidated iceberg. I have a bad back, a bad shoulder, varicose veins in my leg, a creaking elbow, too many freckles and I'm pretty sure a terrible hairline. I would get all of these things fixed in a shiny hospital somewhere with hot nurses giving me bedbaths twice a day. Money can buy you that kind of crap, trust me. 
  • Just buy all new stuff. My laptop is pretty average, my ipod is fucking old, all my clothes have holes in and my television is frankly, not fucking big enough. In my mansion I would also have a cinema room, now I'm thinking about it, so me and all my recently bought and paid for friends could watch films or pornography together. Although only the ladies get to watch porn with me, there's something unsettling about a bunch of dudes sitting around watching fuck-pictures together. Call me old fashioned. 
  • I would do something nice for somebody else. I've been giving five pounds a month to Help the Aged for six years, simply because the girl on the high street with the clipboard was moderately attractive. That is approximately £360 I've forked over, and the bitch didn't even call me up for a date. I could've got a fairly decent hooker for that, or probably a load of shit ones. Is a £500 whore really worth the extra bank over a £50 whore? I mean it's just a hole really, you're not gonna look at her face anyway, surely. But I digress. Sometimes it's nice to do things for other people, so I would start up some kind of a business and create jobs for homeless people. I'm not sure what sort of business it would be, seeing as homeless people only seem to be good at being scruffy and drunk and asking people for money. Maybe I'd build a university and turn them all into students. Then I'd feel proud of myself and this would make me happy.
So that is why money in fact can buy you happiness. You do have to spend it on the right things though, If you buy shares in Arsenal football club or big bags of crystal meth***, it will usually only end in misery and an abject hatred of society and the human race. 

 *   other social networking sites/wastes of fucking time are available.
**  other fanny magnets/death traps are available.
***other drugs are available. but this is totally the best/worst. 

Disclaimer: I in no way condone or encourage the use of crystal meth or any other drug. In fact if you think that, you're a moron. I've literally just said soft drugs fucked up my teeth. hardly glamorous is it? It's a bit like when people said the movie 'Trainspotting' glamorised heroin. How the fuck did they work that out? What's glamorous about getting the shits so bad that you fire out your suppositories and have to climb into the shitty toilet to find them because you're jonesing so bad? Or having a dead baby crawl across the ceiling towards you and then spin it's head around one hundred and eighty degrees like a fucking owl? Doesn't sound glamorous to me. Course, pot and booze don't count. If you want to get shitfaced and blaze one up, be my guest. 


    1. love you, cockbag. you make me happy to have brought children into this world just so they can hate you for hating things.

    2. hurry up and get rich!! I wanna be one of your bought and paid for friends and use your pool and your cinema room and your car and your money and ... fuck it, once you've bought all this stuff just hand it over to me, yeah?